Thursday, April 18th, 2002
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7:55 pm
i lost my touch. 20 minutes of gaging and nothing. so i guess now all that's left is to leave mia behind. i wasn't good enough for her to take me back. so now its all up to ana. from tomorrow until forever.
(3 pounds lost // make me perfect )
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6:30 pm - and when it comes down to it...
at the end of the day im fatter without you. im lost without you. i am not myself. burger king is the first stop. and then to your house. the bathroom of reconcile, to beg you back, mia. it's you i've been missing. i am nothing without you. take me back. help me gain the control that once came so easily.
i miss you mia. the binges. the purges. i miss it all.
current mood:  hungry ( make me perfect )
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Tuesday, April 9th, 2002
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1:42 pm - so yes.
i ate last nite. not a whole lot. must take some hydroxie today. i have to exercise and stop being a lazy fatass about it.
and i found my skirt from 8th grade. when i was down to 90ish. its so tiny. i can get it on, but it won't zip up or button. gr i felt like a whale when i tried it on last nite. a beached whale.
bleck. and my legs look aweful in it. so nasty. =P
current mood:  aggravated ( make me perfect )
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Thursday, April 4th, 2002
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12:26 pm
okay 12 hours and 30 minutes into my fast and im getting hungry. ahh. this is horrible. i can't even last 24 hours now? ahh! this is horrible. must not let myself outside my room until this passes.
current mood:  disappointed ( make me perfect )
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Monday, March 25th, 2002
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11:52 am - disgust fat pig with no control anymore
so in total. since last week (after i had lost the weight yet again) i gained 11 pounds. back up to a fucking morbidly obese fat pregnant cow of a person. i looked in the mirror. the weight gain in obvious. especially in my face and thighs. i have always hated my body but from my waist down, and my face; those areas have always been such a problem for me. my face never looked "thin" i guess cuz i have a heart-shaped or fat round shapped face. something like that. even when i was at 100 my face alone looked as if i should be 160. evil yucky face. and my thighs. god i hate my thighs. i look in the mirror and i just want to cut all the fat off of them. my thighs & calves are the most evil part of my entire body. the fat wraps around my legs like a burrito, its ingredients wrapped up in a thick, carbohydrated filled flat tortilla. ugh. disgusting.
then today what did i do? i binged. i woke up finished off the box of peanut butter cookie things, waited about 15 minutes, downed a stacker 3 with a sip of code red mountain dew. followed by a bowl of cornflakes. no more eating.
no more fucking eating for the day.
i need to clean my room.
current mood: morbidly obese pregnant cow!
current music: chill out musik to calm my self loathing ( make me perfect )
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Sunday, March 24th, 2002
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5:26 pm - and sometime is never enough
well the past few days have been thrilling. can we all shout how much we love distructive rage food binges? oh yeah. loads of good family fun. gained weight, lots, per usual. thinking about just never leaving my house again. ever. going through inner drama with myself, and the food is a good mediator when i can't handle my thoughts, which lately haven't been easy to control. they all lead to 3 different things dad.me.brian. all this inner drama. ugh. i hate it. i hate how it makes me want to eat everything in sight. and i hate that for that half hour that im scarfing food down like i was a vacuum cleaner, i don't care about the calories, or how im going to get rid of what's in my stomach. how im going to face myself the next day.
and yeah. i just wish i were beautiful.
current mood: annoyed ( make me perfect )
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Friday, March 22nd, 2002
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8:35 am - eyebrow pic
( make me perfect )
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8:18 am - i have a history on wearing my mind on my sleeve and a history of taking off my shirt
well i gained abck the weight i lost on my fast. back up to 14_.5 bleh. i was gonna start a fast today but this morning i woke up and ate =x
god im such a disappointment.
so im going to pick up some chinese dieter's tea today i think. and send in a couple job applications. then go to burger king for lunch and say to hell with the rest of the day's fast.
tomorrow's the concert & i can't wait =)
current mood: aggravated
current music: boy kicks girl ( make me perfect )
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Monday, March 18th, 2002
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2:25 pm - fat cow alert
ate loads. giant lunch. bleh. then i couldn't find my laxies. grr.
anywho yeah. evil evil girl.
im talking to nicci right now <3 yay! hehe. um.. so yah. forcing my ass to the gym tomorrow, maybe today too. maybe not. getting out of my pjs doesn't seem like such a grand idea.
so im reading some songs posted on darkforum.com gah. i wish i could write like that. really. it'd be super.
can't you see that i wanna be there with open arms its empty tonite and im all alone get me through this whine do you notice im gone where will you run to so far i want you to know that i miss i miss you so i want you to know that i miss you i miss you so im writing again these letters to you not much i know but im not sleepin cuz you're not here..- Finch, letters to you
current mood:  impressed
current music: finch -letters to you ( make me perfect )
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10:35 am - weekend recap of my horrible eating habits
so i was beyond estatic when i stepped on the scale later thursday and found out i was down to 130. that means i had lost all of the weight gained from when i was in the hospital (the 10-11 pounds). so yeah. what do i do? i binge. all fucking weekend (well from thursday night until this morning) and i stepped on the scale saturday night and was already back up to 139! what the fuck?! so yah. so yesterday i was like "fuck it" and i binged more -.- then i step on the scale today and im down to 138.5 which is better than what i thought it was gonna say. but no where NEAR good enough.
and its nice to know that the sexxiest, most loveable and just perfect for you guy thinks your pretty. let alone sexxy. gah. i know i don't deserve it but it makes me all giggly when brian tells me how sexy and purdie i am. even though i think he's full of it, and don't take the compliment very well, sometimes i just need to know that maybe im really not as completely repulsive as i think i am.
and im back to wearing my fat pants. size 9's. i still fit into my 7/8's but gr. they aren't as lose as i like my pants to be. so yeah. fat pants. grr..
and i've been reading nicci's journal and her and i are so much alike and <3 <3 i luv her so much, she's like the sister i've never had. =) too bad she's all the way in florida. dammit. they really need to move some states. put florida where arizona is. and ohio where oregon is. that's all i ask.
current mood: disgusted
current music: juliana theory ( make me perfect )
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Thursday, March 14th, 2002
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12:31 pm - ick
still unable to get puke taste out of mouth. doing good on fast. only had glass of oj which im sure i'd be crying over if i hadn't puked this morning. but i needed some kind of nutrition and my mom was here and.. yeah.
so its 12:30. my stomach is still gurgling/howling. from who knows what. and im in a whiney kinda mood cuz my stomach still hurts. =/
and i still want ice water.
current mood: thirsty
current music: the wind outside ( make me perfect )
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6:29 am - ha i told you so!
i knew it. i told brian last nite. all i needed to do was throw up and i'd be fine. close friends of mia know these kinds of things. bleh. well after running to the bathroom about every 10-20 minutes since 8pm i finally puked. gah i hate food. right now all i want is a tall glass of ice cold water but my throat is so sore that it would hurt to much, so i should wait a couple hours.
bleh. i have to clean up where i puked since im old enough to not need my grandmother to do it for me. can't i just get a new bed instead? seems easier.
and all the while, through complaining and realizing i threw up everywhere in my room before i actually made it to the bathroom, im thinking.. "i wonder if i lost any weight cuzza this..."
and the worst part for me? other than not being able to drink water right now? i puked all over my book wasted. ironic, eh? puke all over a book about ana and mia. :shrug: i'll try to clean it and give it a few days before i attempt to read it again.
puking involuntarily sucks the big one.
clean up. take a shower. attempt to drink water. sleep some if i can.
current mood:  dirty ( make me perfect )
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Wednesday, March 13th, 2002
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11:53 am
remindmewhyitsbadtopurge remindmewhyitsbadtopurge remindmewhyitsbadtopurge remindmewhyitsbadtopurge remindmewhyitsbadtopurge remindmewhyitsbadtopurge remindmewhyitsbadtopurge remindmewhyitsbadtopurge remindmewhyitsbadtopurge remindmewhyitsbadtopurge remindmewhyitsbadtopurge remindmewhyitsbadtopurge
...
( make me perfect )
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11:51 am
i woke up today and ran to the kitchen. for some reason i was starving. and apparently i have the bottomless pit of a stomach. i ate sooooooo much. i don't even wanna say. but i will cuz yah.
2 egg sandwiches, 1 pb n j sandwich, 2 glasses of oj.
purging sounds really good about now.
( make me perfect )
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4:33 am - i am a fat ass cow that should be shot
i ate so much. after the pasta i had 2 pieces of toast with peanut butter, and a glass of orange juice (yes another one). i weighed myself. i gained 4 lbs in 1 day. is that fucking possible?! apparently it is cuz ive done it.
ugh. and im just thinking about my doctor's appointment tomorrow and yeah. i'll prollie have lunch with my mom since she works at the hospital and found out about my appointment.
i feel worthless. i want to just curl up in fetal position and wither away.
( make me perfect )
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Tuesday, March 12th, 2002
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6:49 pm
ate loads. i lasted 45 hours tho =D so good start i guess.
im going to have dinner tonite just to keep my grandma happie.
what i ate today:
- turkey sandwich (with little bit of mayo, lettuce, pickels, american cheese)
- bag of sour cream and cheddar ruffles
- diet coke
- poppyseed muffin
- orange juice
- pasta with homemade meat sauce
100 arm curls done. have dr. appt tomorrow. glad i ate since they're gonna run some tests and it would show if i'd be "starving" myself. gah im so nervous.
current mood: disappointed
current music: none ( make me perfect )
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9:37 am - worried about what's to come
im so terrified that im going to be forced into eating when i go out with my friend for lunch today. it kept me up last night for nearly an hour. -.-
but other than that i'm just dandy =)
really excited for my birthday since i've found someone that *crosses fingers* might be able to get me some K. lol, brian got me focused on it, wanting to try it and what not. lol, thank you?
started drinking coffee too much sugar on the go, fell dead on the floor he thought the coke was sweet n low...
current mood: worried
current music: my favorite new radicals song <3 ( make me perfect )
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Monday, March 11th, 2002
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10:24 pm - .cravings are satan.
and its getting so hard. these cravings. wanting food. wanting to quit and just call it a 24 hr detox. wanting it since the scale hasn't changed. wanting it so badly. why can't i have it?
why can't i binge?
because then you would have to purge you fat cow and you would make too much noise. you would be heard. found out. then all hell would break lose..
current mood: hungry ( make me perfect )
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9:15 pm - whew. 24 hours down.
and it wasn't too terrible. but im madd hungry which is aweful since tomorrow im going out with a friend and we're prollie gonna wind up going out to lunch at this place near the beach that makes my favorite sandwich.
gah. someone give me strength.
current mood: pleased
current music: childhood love - air ( make me perfect )
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11:40 am - here's to the glorious day outside
so instead of spending hours at the gym, i spent a single 60 minutes doing cardio. i didn't want to burn myself out and do 3 hours today and then do no exercise at all for 3 weeks, which as of late has been my pattern. so i shall restrict instead. apples and water fast for a week. the hardest part is going to be the first 72 hours, then once i've broken my record (72 hour fast), the hardest days will only be the days that i see my friends. i think i may do tae-bo later if im up to it.
for now though, i am just going to enjoy my first 24 hours instead of looking towards them with anxiety.
hour 15 is almost upon me.
current mood:  rejuvenated
current music: none- its eerily quiet in my house ( make me perfect )
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Sunday, March 10th, 2002
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6:15 pm - so proud of new layout
i spent a good portion of last night and all day today working on this layout and im so proud of it! wee yah! teehee. its simple but really shweet looking =D
so today i ate horribly. 2 pb n j sandwiches. 5 girlscout cookies (hadda finish the box of course grrr.. ) a glass of milk, and not nearly enough water. mom's picking up taco bell too =X bleh. at least i have my lovely stacker to help me through these trying times. im going to try avoiding grace til friday and see if it works. i need to fast and when im with her all i do is eat, it seems.
i gained 2.5 pounds since yesterday. yep up to an even crappy ass fucking fatass 143. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. i hate my body.
really. i do.
but tomorrow is a new day. and a chance for me to be stronger. so here's to hoping i am.
current mood:  accomplished
current music: neve ( make me perfect )
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Saturday, March 9th, 2002
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10:05 pm
and so its been a long ass time since i've posted here i know.
but now im committed. im committed to this. to being thin. i weighed myself today. fucking fatass. ugh. i shouldn't even bother anymore. i hit the point i never thought i would hit. 140. ewwwwwww what an aweful number. actually this morning when i weighed myself i was 140.5 which is horrrrrrid. and i mean. i know all i did was literally sleep and eat but ewwwwwwwwww. how gross. so yes. i buried my disgust in a snickerz bar, some pizza and girlscout cookies. go me.
tomorrow i start.
no more weak, fat, gross and utterly disgusting chiara. no. no fucking more. i can be strong. mel always told me i was her strong sister. its time i live up to it. i can be strong. i will be strong.
and i will be 80 again.
current mood:  determined
current music: dexter freebish ( make me perfect )
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Tuesday, February 19th, 2002
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1:45 am
i love this song...
like a clown i put on a show pain is real even if nobody knows and im crying inside and nobody knows it but me why did i not say the things i needed to say how could i let my angel get away now my world is just tumbling down and i could say it so clear but you're no where around... carry a smile when i'm broken in two.. im trembling inside and nobody knows it but me lie awake its a quarter past 3 i'm screamin and i never thought you'd hear me...
just... mushiness. bleh. brian is madd sexxay. just hadda let the world know. he makes my heart flutter like a butterfly
and yeah. im nervous about tomorrow. part of me doesn't want this job. but i know i need moola. gah. i wish i were 21 so i could sell my eggs for 5 grand a pair. that would be shweet. but ce la vie...
gah. i feel like i need something. though i can't figure out what it is. gah.
i can't find an icon with various shades of either orange or green in it, to use as my icon for my lj. blegh. shitty deal.
ah oh well. enough whining from the peanut gallery. tonite as splendiferous. i gotta talk to bri bri fer a while. he just... yeah. :happie sigh:
current mood:  weird
current music: 80s love songs (1 pound lost // make me perfect )
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Monday, February 18th, 2002
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1:11 pm - ew
trying on clothes for my interview tomorrow. i just feel nasty. ugly. utterly grotesque and fat. i shouldn't have had that bowl of cereal today =oÞ
i feel sick to my stomach from looking at myself.
( make me perfect )
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Sunday, February 17th, 2002
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9:37 pm - a day full of aiight's and wee's =D
today was simply invigorating =D had moocho fun with panda and bryan. i bought them dinner =D and we hung out and stuff. weeee i got my nails painted burgundy but they smudged so now they're all fooked up, but thazz okay =D
and bryan won't gimme the number to the coka dealer he knowz so yah =/
gonna call girLe and ask her bout it. wooo weee. perhaps i'll dye my hair (lighter blonde) tonite and finish watching requiem for a dream =D
bleh. i haven't talked to bri bri since v-day. me missies him. =[
current mood:  energetic
current music: the donnas - get outta my room ( make me perfect )
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Saturday, February 16th, 2002
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11:40 pm - its the nite for luvvv
and i tried watching requiem for a dream. awesome movie. remind me to do it when i have some lovely coke, k? i wanted it so badly, i woulda cried if yanno... i cried during times like that. instead i used my resources. 90mgs of paxil and 2 tablespoons nyqil later and wa la! poof here i am! i came back from dee's a nite early, since i woulda hadda get up at the ass crack of 9 tomorrow to get home, since she has plans at like 11 er something. woo. too bad im alone right now. i love this. if only i had some real uppers or something. shit. i want speeeeeed. coka... e... anything. must get something tomorrow. i have to be beautiful. i have to go to college. damn so many plans. ahh i was thinkin about how cool its gonna be when i go to visit bri bri and getta do lines with him and cuddle n' shit. yay. can't wait. must be beautiful before then. can't be going to the east coast all ugly and shit like i am now, now can i? course not. shit. oo i feel like dancin! well poof! im gone like neil armstrong!
maybe i'll change my layout later =D
current mood: bouncy
current music: sandstorm - darude (original mix) ( make me perfect )
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4:18 pm - yesterday's not all that bad sorry i could not make this last...
and im in one of my moods. one of my reminiscent, regretting everything i never told people. gah. i hate this mood. it makes me all whiney and shit. =x
i've debated telling mikey about this journal. i mean now that the whole 'do i don't i love him still' issue has been resolved, there's nothing to hide from him, well nothing that i can think of at the moment at least.but i'll probably wait awhile before telling him about this journal anyways, just for sheer fact that i can, and i like having my secrets.
i tried calling josh today again x.x someone pull out my phone for me? i apparently have lost any sense i might have had. ugh. needless to say he wasn't home.
im kinna sleepy. maybe i'll take a nap. dee went to go rent some movies i think. rent movies and get grub. nummie. taco nite ^.^
current mood: nostalgic
current music: mest - track 4 ( make me perfect )
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Friday, February 15th, 2002
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10:28 pm - tired as all hell
yes, i'm exhausted. i'm spending the majority of the weekend at dee's. from now until sunday morning =D
tomorrow we're going to go look for a new stereo, then off to malibu! woo hoo! yey! yippee skippee!
:blink: i have a job interview for a telemarketing company on tuesday, at 10:30 a.m.
must look for a "source" this coming week to assist me narcotically >=x
( make me perfect )
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12:51 am - two quizzies i took! bwahaha
boredom has overcome me, and so have these quizzes...
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Your personality type is ROCK CHICK. You rock, girl! You love music and couldn't live without it. You are drawn to men who seem slightly dangerous and you probably live a fairly unhealthy lifestyle. Despite your obvious femininity, you long to be accepted as "one of the lads" and have an unfortunate tendency to get drawn into drinking contests. |
| Click HERE to get your own personality doll |
You are as honest and faithful as you can be. You strive for perfection in your life, and often expect it from those around you. You are very open-minded and quite innocent.
Find out your color at Stvlive.com!
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( make me perfect )
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Thursday, February 14th, 2002
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9:32 pm - red heart day with a P O W !
today was sooper dee dooper! i met up with panderz at 2, the we went to panda express fer lunch with bryan. then we went to walgreens and roamed around fer awhile. then we walked down to the metreon where i ran into a former kinkoid, alan. we chit-chatted fer a few then he went on his merry way. we went to the metreon danced to the music playing inside, before decideding to go see KUNG POW! so the movie didn't start fer like an hour so we went outside to this park thing and chilled. bryan got chashed by the park/metreon security people a few times, fer riding his skateboard. then we went inside, dicked around for a few, before going to find seats. okay our theater was like in bumfucking nowhere of the building. panda thought we were gunna get raped, lol. so we walk into the theater and they're playing twangy ass country. so us 3 are like crackin up trying to sing along. it was just hilarious!
oh and the movie was AWESOME. sOOOOOOOOOOOOOO foonie! i laughed so hard that my heart actually started hurting! woooo and we kept making cracks and quoting shit from the movie, like panda kept saying "im going to kill you - dead." LMAO omg... wooo. okie. so yeah. so we left the theater and stood at a corner talking for like 20 minutes about what to do. decided to take pumpking, yes pumpkin out for a bit. yay! ( sidenote: if you don't know who pumpkin is, it's a long story, but basically she's a car that is very speshul to my heart =D ) so we took the bus to get pumpkin where she was parked, and we drove to funcoland. oh yes, and the 3 of us decided to start a bowling team. yay! go us! we still hafta think of a name tho =x anywho so bryan bought mario cart for snes so we could play it. then we left and drove to my house where we proceeded to play video games, eat candy & krispie kreme and laugh like the giant dorks we are.
god i love my friends =D
( make me perfect )
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12:11 am - "love is the most powerful drug out there, but the high is like no other..."
and part of me needs that reassurance. that someone out there loves me, is in love with me. i keep waiting for that phone to ring. for it to ring and be josh. cuz i knew he loved me. at least i thought i knew it. really, i guess, the only love i ever knew was real was mike. our love was so enveloped within each other, everything felt so dreamy, so magical. every conversation a new reason to love, each moment closer to forever. and i want to feel that. i want that intensity. i need it the way i need a drug. i need to feel it burst within my body, filling my entirety with this burst of freedom and control at the same time. the moment when time stands still. everything is perfect. the lights are brighter. jokes are funnier. the music, though still the same seems so much more alive. for that moment. that single moment, when love peaks within me. that is why i will never be able to give up the fantasy hope of finding it again.
( make me perfect )
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Wednesday, February 13th, 2002
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11:18 pm
i guess its just the time. getting over a fucking horrible virus, it being lent and all, the drama with certain people.. and yea. this makes for a not so great mood.
but it'll change. panda asked me if i'd be her valentine, and since no one else asked, and since yanno, who can turn down on of their top 3 best friends... who was i to say no?
dee picked me up around 9:30 ish and we went for a drive. we talked about sex, drugs, and life. she's so easy to talk to. im gonna definitely miss her big time when i leave.
i talked to dejuan when i got home. he barely said anything, and when i told him that the road trip (and thus spending a month at his apartment) was off, he was upset. nothing im sure a quick romp in the hay with bethany. eh not hostile.
i have a few things to do before bed. so i think im gonna call it an early offline nite.
( make me perfect )
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4:16 pm - and the cravings continue
gimme dwugz! i want dwugz! anything! e! cid! coke! shrooms! anyyyyyyyyyyyything! just alter mah state of mind! ahhhhh! i want e really really badLeEeE!
waaahh!
oo and i wanna be naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaughty ROFL. i dunno. i just feel better now that i can talk somewhat. i want sex! dammit! dammit! dammit! and i wanna leave! and start my life! and yah! i want all the !!!!! i can get! and i want to be able to live my life for me. and not someone else. and be able to drop, and flip and get fucked up and live my life and come back to a place of my OWN. my own apartment. a place where my family won't question where i've been. why im home so early in the morning. or anything like that. somwhere where i am allowed to be me!
( make me perfect )
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3:08 am - just random t h o u g h t s . . .
i think im ready. ready to begin actually working on getting passed all of this. all of the hurt and self inflicted suffering both from cutting and other things..
today will be my 1 week mark. one week of no slicing, burning, punching, or otherwise physically abusing self injury.
its been one of the longest weeks of my life.
but yes. despite all these obsticles i will be on the east coast by the beginning days of summer. stephanie and gregg are going on a trip to germany for 2 months to stay with gregg's aunt and uncle, so nevada is out. next would be angela and margaret in arizona, my lovely aunts. yes well angela is going to figi, and margaret is away on business for the next 9 months. therefore my road trip extravaganza looks like its not going to be anything more than a plane trip to PA, once i get enough moola together to be able to afford first & last month's rent, oh yeah and trying to find a roommate. bleh. i hafta talk with ed sometime this week and see if he can get me a job where he works, and if he's still looking fer a roomie ^.^
but yeah. gonna go try to get more sleep. nite nite.
( make me perfect )
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Tuesday, February 12th, 2002
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11:35 pm - fighting the inner demons
and it sucks. i hate being a hopeless romantic. dammit someone get it outta me!!
( make me perfect )
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